February 2010 Newsletter: Perfect Relationships

Would you love to be loved and appreciated for who you are? Do you dream of the perfect relationship, perfect partner? Do you know the difference between Romance Fantasy vs. Reality?

Many men and women have and live according to unrealistic romantic fantasies; you only have to watch the big Hollywood movies to see what fantasies we buy into. Some women have them about the knight in shining armour (often resembling Brad Pitt) who scoops them up in his arms with a rose in his teeth and carries them off to his castle/penthouse for mad, passionate lovemaking. When they end up with a guy with a big belly who scratches his butt and is just being a guy, they punish him for it because he doesn’t match their fantasy. On the other hand men have a fantasy that the girl is supposed to be beautiful, sexy, nurturing, and stay 30 years old for the rest of her life. They punish or leave her for being human. It costs them love if they stay and money if they go.

If you’re not satisfied with your partner it maybe because you’re partly comparing them to some fantasy, and you’re punishing them for not living up to your fantasy. You create a myth that they’re supposed to live up to, a hidden agenda that you haven’t even communicated, and when they fail to live up to it you punish them. Your fantasy is all positives and no negatives, which doesn’t exist, and you beat them up for their negative side, which is exactly what you need to grow. If we live by unreal or impossible fantasies we’ll experience the extreme highs and lows of the emotional swings instead of balanced love.

Reality is accepting that the mate you’re with is magnificent, but you’re comparing them to an image that you’re elated with, and as long as you have that myth you won’t have a present relationship. You have to destroy the myth of relationships in order to experience the truth of love.

From a state of balanced love you are able to enjoy the whole spectrum of emotions without being attached to any of them in particular. If you try to have only pleasure and laughter in a relationship, you will experience tears and pain. Every relationship is a balance of the two, and the most miserable people I know are the ones seeking happiness. They keep running after happy and running into sad.

How Can I Experience A Fulfilling Relationship?

In my eyes there are three ways to conduct a relationship, and each one has entirely different outcomes; they are careless, careful, and caring. A careless relationship is one in which you project and focus on your own values without considering theirs at all. A careful relationship is when you think in terms of their values without considering your own–this one is called ‘walking on eggshells.’ Both are one-sided approaches that ignore the other side and create tensions in the partnership. A caring relationship is one where you communicate your values in terms of theirs. You think of both sides of the relationship simultaneously, and that synthesis allows both partners to express their love for themselves and their mate. The definition of caring is knowing someone well enough to know their values, and caring enough to express your values in terms of theirs. Caring is the key to a fulfilling relationship.

Love and Wisdom

Dr. John Demartini